Succeeding In School With Bipolar Disorder

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Battling and Coping with Anxiety

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Manic Episode,and Mind-altering Drugs

I had a manic episode yesterday. I suddenly had a flight of ideas and made all these plans, which included starting an airline and plans to take road-trips once I got back to the United States. During that episode I became overwhelmed at all the plans I had as my mind raced as if it were participating in Formula 1. At the end of it all, I just broke down and cried. It felt good to cry. To just let it out. Nobody was home so I felt I had the freedom and privacy to let out my emotions.

I get frustrated to the point of rage at people’s ignorance of mental illness. As a result, there is a negative stigma attached to mental illness. People treat us like garbage; like we’re not human beings. We’re not supposed to share our opinions or concerns with others. We’re either ignored or shouted down. People think we can just “get over it.” How do you expect someone to get over the emotional and psychological scars brought about by unhealthy environments or as a result of a traumatic experience?  What if you’re stuck in the surroundings that helped to trigger the mental issues? I struggle with that.

People; family even, think we can just be positive and it will all go away.  Hence, people refuse to acknowledge the things that make us tick; whether it’s a potential trigger, or a horrible memory which we’d rather forget about.  I have had melt-downs because of it. For example, I’m feeling close to having a melt-down right now.  I had to leave the living-room because my mom came to watch the news and when she does, she makes the fan rotate instead of just staying in one place. I’m extremely heat sensitive; that is when it’s humid. If I don’t have to spend a long time in it, or if it’s just dry heat, I’m okay. When I feel that weird and I want to be left alone, I’m prone to that. When it comes I can’t control it. It happens especially if I feel cornered and forced to hold in my emotions which is hard for me to do. I’m not saying that we should use “mental illness” as a crutch. I’m merely saying that “mental illness” is not the common cold. It’s disease that if left untreated could result in disastrous consequences. This is where psychiatrists and therapists come in.

Then there’s the question of using mind-altering drugs. Almost every day I see one being advertised on TV. At the end of the advertisement; after saying how wonderful it is, the side-effects are mentioned. Isn’t it ironic that something that’s supposed to treat you can actually hurt you? I’ve been on Zoloft; when I was first misdiagnosed as having depression. It made me really manic and made me do things that I’d normally be scared to do. It also made me feel like I had little or no emotion and made me unable to concentrate on things for long periods of time. I have been taking Concerta for my Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). When I first starting taking it, it made me feel even more depressed and suicidal even.  It also increased my anxiety. Then it would make me shaky and feel like something inside of me is going to erupt. I hated that feeling so I quit taking it. Now it’s a challenge for me to even write this blog and my head feels; just weird. In the US I used to take Adderall, and even though it really cleared my mind to the point that I could watch TV and study at the same time, it made me feel really aggressive and it caused me to have a double-vision. After watching You Tube videos of people giving their experiences with those drugs, I’m scared to take them again. I’m now at my wits end because I don’t know what medication will help me. Some of them will make me have trouble sleeping, gain or lose weight. Yet without them, I don’t think I’ll be able to function. I’m afraid it’s a no-win situation here.

This was just me ranting about my manic episodes and mind-altering drugs. I really hope this made sense to you although to be honest, it doesn’t feel like it’s making any sense to me.

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You Know You’re a Nineties Kid If

Something I got off the internet. Thought I’d share it with you guys

You’re a 90’s kid if:

You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “SIKE!”

You can sing the whole rap to “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”

You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey from “Blossom” and that “How Rude!” comes from Stephanie from “Full House”

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading “Goosebumps”

You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, wax off”

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

you danced to “wannabe” by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)

You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say “NOT” after (almost) every sentence…Not…

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together.

To the last sentence you said…..hey…Tommy was the green* ranger!!!!

*later to be white

When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who…………and still all ended up being tommy.

You remember when super nintendo’s became popular.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3……..and tried to pull the pranks on “intruders”

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

Two words… Trapper Keeper.

You ever got injured on a Slip ‘n’ Slide

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

“Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back” SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell”

You played and or collected “Pogs”

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were “Lisa Frank” brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out. =[

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You’ve gotten creeped out by “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”

You know the Macarena by heart.

“Talk to the hand” … enough said

You thought Brain would finally take over the world

You always said, “Then why don’t you marry it!”

You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.

You remember when razor scooters were cool.

when we were younger:

Before the MySpace frenzy.

Before the Internet & text messaging.

Before Sidekicks & iPods.

Before MIKE JONES

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.

Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE COOL

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

Tag.

Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.

Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.

Red Light, Green Light.

Heads Up 7 Up.

Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.

Hopskotch.

Slip-n-Slides.

Skip-It

Tree Houses.

Hula Hoops.

Reading R.L. Stine’s Goose Bumps and Fear Street

HELLO….HOT WHEELS!!!!!

“POWER OF LOVE” BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.

The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.

Running through the sprinklers.

That “Little Mermaid”

Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King. Every time you watched it.

Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.

Getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car.

Drinking Sqeeze It “Squeeze The Fun Out Of It”

CAPRI SUN

Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ’s still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.

Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.

The original Power Rangers

Or what about:

The Secret Life of Alex Mac.

Ren & Stimpy.

Double Dare.

Rocco’s Modern Life (best show!!!)

AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS

Wild & Crazy Kids.

Clarissa Explains it All.

CAMP NOWHERE

salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The original cast members of All That.

Kenan & Kel.

“CITY GUYS”…ROLL W/ THE CITY GUYS

doug.

magic school bus.

Nick Arcade.

flash forward.

pete and pete.

legends of the hidden temple.

hey dude.

dinosaurs.

pinky and the brain.

Sailor Moon.

blossom.

hangin with mr.cooper.

wishbone.

bill-nye the science guy.

MR RODGERS!!!!

Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.

Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.

or nick jr. with face(i luv face!)

gulah gulah island

little bear

under the unbrella tree

PEE-WEE HERMAN!!!

The Big Comfy Couch

Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.

Light-up sneakers

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.

Eurika’s Castle!!!

Class field trips.

POGS

When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.

When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.

When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.

When Toys R Us overuled the mall.

Go back to the time when:

Decisions were made by going ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’.

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming ‘do over!’

‘Race issue’ meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in ‘Monopoly’.

act like you didn’t watch afro-king BOB ROSS paint trees on T.V.

It wasn’t odd to have two or three ‘best’ friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the ‘big people’ rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT???

smud and yak back. skip it and pop it.

bop it

boy meets world

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU’D MISS THE 90’S SO MUCH!!!!

Your a 90’s kid when you read this and smiled and laughed at least 5 of these.

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Deleting Blog

I might delete this blog. It seems pointless keeping it,plus the less people around me, the better it is. I have too many fake people in my life.

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Feeling Judged

You know, even though I condemn the riots in London, I feel that we’re being unfairly judged because the media is portraying people like us to be the main perpetrators. The same goes for when ever the issue of terrorism comes up. It’s as if if you’re not white, you must be a terrorist or an evil person. I’m really taking it personal because I’m black and I’m of Jamaican origin. I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I’m really disappointed and hurt. I’m starting to wonder if the way I’ve been treated on some of these sites and in genera; being shut out of conversations and ignored  is because I don’t look like the majority, both in color and looks. I’ve been trying to tell this racist cousin I have who keeps reminding me of the pre-Civil Rights era   that times are changing and we must move on. Now I’m wondering if he was right. Because of the stuff he brainwashed me with when I was emotionally and mentally vulnerable, I’m always suspicious whenever there’s an issue that comes up between me and a white person. One example was while I was at school, I got removed from the approved driver’s list under questionable circumstances. I was never given any concrete answer as to why it was done. Only concerns about stuff that I did that were no different from what the other drivers of university-owned vehicles did. There could have been a legitimate concern, but the way it was done does raise my eyebrows.

Another issue that makes me feel queenly is the whole matter of immigration which has been a problem in the United States. I’ve heard some of my friends even bash legal immigration, saying we don’t belong in the US.  I really found that offensive because I know the situation I’m trying to distance myself from, in particular triggers that are unhealthy for me at this point in my life. People think it’s no big deal and they’ve never even been to Jamaica so they are in no position to say anything about it. I don’t know which of my friends has that political conviction about it, hence not caring that I need better treatment for my issues, and better prospects for my obtaining a steady job that would make me feel some measure of achievement.

All I can say is that I feel uneasy on social sites and around people in general. I don’t know who’s judgemental or who’s being nice to my face but being nasty to me behind my back; for one reason or another. It just really hurts if that’s really true which I hope to God is not true. I don’t know who my friends are any more or who genuinely wants to be my friend. I can’t trust any one any more.

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Why do the London riots have me concerned and worried?

Let me make one thing clear. I am in no way excusing the London riots. If you have issues with something or someone, take it up with them and leave everyone else out of it. And I think it’s crazy to be burning buildings and setting cars; even police cars and buses on fire. Replacing those things will cost money and if you should need to take a bus or call the police, how will they be able to assist you without a vehicle?

What I am concerned with are the questionable circumstances that led to it. It’s alleged that a guy was shot dead by the police while trying to arrest him. It’s my understanding that at first, the protests started out peacefully, and then erupted into violence which was really unfortunate. Some people are saying that it was because the urban youth felt that they were always at odds with the police, and also that the police weren’t doing enough to protect them. Some of those concerns do sound reasonable. People from all walks of life want to be safe, and no one wants to be treated differently because of where he lives, or because of his skin color.

Why I’m concerned is that, first, it was a black  guy that got shot. People say it’s not about racism. Even the family of the man said it wasn’t about race. I don’t think so either, because I saw people from all races and ethnic  backgrounds looting and burning. Some people, based on some of the comments I saw on news websites were turning into a race issue. Non-whites were saying hateful things about whites, whites were also saying hateful things about blacks. I’m confused, worried and scared by all of this. Someone even accused my country of origin, which is Jamaica of importing guns and drugs into London.  You see I don’t know if race was a factor. There seems to be two sides of the story. What I’d like to know is if because  of my skin color or country of origin am I going to be the first one to be hauled off to jail if a crime was committed and because I fit the profile of  being “violent” because of my skin color?

What also concerns me is the fact that people are accusing the politicians of sticking up for the “hoodlums” and non-whites are accusing the politicians of ignoring them. It has also been said that Britian is divided into the “haves” and “have nots” and that there is a lot of emphasis on material wealth; hence people feel like they’re worth nothing if they don’t drive the flashiest cars or wear the latest clothes. I feel like that sometimes too; if I have to visit a place where it’s all about material wealth. I have family in New York, Brooklyn to be exact and to them, if you don’t have certain things, you’re worthless. I end up feeling that way based on the way they relate to me and the fact that I only want to shop at Wal-Mart instead of around Brooklyn where the price of clothes is a bit higher than what I’m willing to pay. I also got criticized and laughed at when I said I had a 1993 Honda Accord that has over 240,xxx miles on it. I was like Hello?! It’s just a car. Suffice it to say I wouldn’t want to live in New York because of that. I’m comfortable in the small town in Washington State where I went to school at where those things don’t matter. If the same is true in Britain, I see no reason why people who live in the urban ghettos feel the way they do.

I have to say that some of the comments I’ve read; including comments made by some of you who I follow on Twitter, or who follow me really scare me, and in some instances offend me. Some of those kids never had the opportunity some of us  have to get adequate schooling or have good families. Many times, their parents don’t really care if they have an education. Many of those kids don’t have proper role models and are instead influenced by negative factors; rap music being a prime example. I mean, although I’m not exactly rich, I was sort of luckier than others, but it could have been me. It could  have been anybody. What if that was the only environment I knew? What  if my parents didn’t have money saved up to take care of my first years in college until things got tight when my dad died. That guy who got shot had a family, so did that cop who got shot. Just some guy got shot. Is that how cheap life is? If I had gotten shot by a trigger happy cop either because of mistaken identity or some other reason would people be talking that way about me? Is my life worth anything? If it doesn’t why?

All I can say is that I’m concerned about the riots in London. People are getting hurt, business places are being damaged, and the police have to be working overtime; which I’m sure must be stressful. I’m also concerned about what led to it starting in the first place. I think that the root causes of the riots need to be tackled and dealt with. Until they are, I’m afraid things like this will continue to happen.

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Bye Twitter

I’m going to make this as short as possible. I’m going to delete my twitter account. I kinda wish I didn’t have to but I do. I don’t think I’m helping anyone. And I don’t think I’m helping myself either. It’s gonna suck for me, but I don’t think I have much of a choice. You see, I’m a guy, and most of the people I follow are girls, and I don’t want to be accused of taking steps with you as I’ve been accused of in the past, plus I’m aware that girls tend to stick together and lean on each other for support, and guys can’t do that; not to mention that guys with mental issues are considered to be weird and creepy by the populous.

The question is, when? I stuck with twitter because I had a stupid ray of light that things would get better, but they’re not. I’m sick of worrying that I’m bothering people and that my mental issues are gonna cause people to run from me just like what’s happened in the past.

Take care everyone! Sorry I’ve been a pain lately, but I can assure you that once I leave the site, you won’t have to deal with me any more. I could leave as early as tonight, but I’ll stay on till at least tomorrow morning. Special thanks to those who were trying to connect with me, although I don’t actually believe it, but if you were, thanks. I’m done.

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