The Road to Treatment and Recovery is literally a Long and Bumpy One

I was excited at the prospect of starting treatment for my Eating Disorder by continuing to see my psychiatrist and ultimately start therapy, which could take me years and years before things calm down. But I’m having a hell of a time trying to get stuff done so I can fly out of here. But things have hit a snag and it’s so ironic that what’s supposed to help me is actually making things worse because of it.

Right now, I’m trying to secure the paper-work that is needed in order to renew my papers so I can fly back to the US. The one and only hurdle that’s in the way and which seems to be getting higher and higher. And the reason for it is one stupid fax. For over a month now I’ve been trying to request that the clinic that I’ve been going to in the US to send a fax to the doctor that I’m seeing in the meantime while I’m here. It would be one where I was supposed to sign a release form so that my information can be released so I can get stuff together to leave. I can’t renew my papers without it. At the last minute is was discovered that the previous one that I signed last year because even though it said that the release form would expire after ninety days could be used again. The doctor here assured me that it would be okay since no date was on it; plus I also got the impression that what it actually meant was that the form would expire after ninety days if it wasn’t used. So we sent it off. And that’s when the real problem started.

First of all, the clinic here was supposed to send off the fax. I called them the afternoon it was supposed to be sent and they were like, “You’ll have to call the office up there, (the clinic in the US) to see if they got the fax.” In other words, what they were saying was that they couldn’t tell me whether they sent the fax or not. I was like, “Are you kidding me?!” I found that really weird and so far, that’s been the mother of all weirdness. I called the office in the US and they said they didn’t receive the fax. I called the doctor and he called them and asked them to send it. They finally did; a million years later. And it gets worse.

The thing that was supposed to happen after that was that the clinic in the US was supposed to fax them a summary of what I’m being treated for and when I’m supposed to see the doctor and my therapist. I called them and they said they got the fax and that they were going to send it off. I called the clinic here and asked them if they’d received the fax. They said they didn’t. So I called back the clinic in the US and they said they’d sent it and that to be on the safe side, they’d resend it and call them to let them know that I fax was coming. To cut an already long story short, the clinic in the US said they had already sent it three times when I kept calling them to verify that the fax was sent after the office here said they hadn’t gotten any fax and that their machine was working. Now the clinic in the US is considering sending it by mail. Can you believe this? Now when do you think it’ll get here?

There’s a ton of stuff I have to get done before I can book my flight. This one stupid fax is holding up everything, and in the meantime, the air fare keeps rising as the seats get filled up. And, to add insult to injury, the Thanksgiving Christmas Season is just around the corner and that’s the worst time to travel. The airlines will be taking advantage of the busy season by jacking up their fares. I really don’t feel like paying an arm and a leg for a plane ticket that I could have gotten at a way cheaper price. You see I wanna come back for Christmas and then fly out again, and I’m yet to book that flight also. That will be one of the few times when I’ll be able to visit home when I want to instead of when I have no choice. The people who’ve flown down to see their family for the holiday season will all be flying back and it will be harder to get on a flight then. I do not want a repeat of last year. We ended up having to pay over nine hundred dollars for a ticket that we could have gotten much less. I could get a much cheaper ticket from Seattle to Manchester, UK for crying out loud. What even made it worse was that I was flying through New York and would have to connect on another flight to Seattle and the weekend before; there was a massive blizzard in New York. I kept telling my mom that it was going to be harder to get out and that flights would be full because the passengers who’d already been booked on the flights that had been cancelled would get precedence over those who were just booking. My mom wouldn’t believe me, but; not to sound cocky or anything but I know a little more about procedures of booking on flights and aviation in general than most of my relatives. They don’t think I do though and many times, I feel like my intelligence in that area is being insulted. I knew that the fare was going to go up because of that and it did. The result of that was that exorbitant fare we had to pay.

I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. I’m thinking of just closing up shop and just ride this out and face the consequences, whatever they are. This road is just getting too bumpy for me and my springs are about to break and I’ll leave you to guess what normally happens to a car when the springs break; especially while going around a corner.

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What Not to Say to Someone who is Depressed

I just stumbled on an article on Psych Central that mentioned ten things that one should never say to someone who’s depressed.  I will only give you a synopsis of those.

It’s all in your head. Studies have proven that a person who’s depressed or overly anxious only activate the fear center of the brain by positive thinking. In otherwords, “positive thinking” only makes the problem worse. My take on it is that the individual will feel that he or she’s out of control because he or she is unable to “think” positively which in my opinion increase the anxiety levels in the brain. Of course, positive thinking is important in training the brain and that will take some time. Proper therapy can help, but to tell someone that he or she needs to think positively is only rubbing salt into the wound.

You need to stop focusing on yourself and go out and help other people. That’s only going to make a bad situation worse because in addition to being depressed, the person; being placed on a guilt trip, will guilty. Furthermore, how are you going to take care of someone else’s emotional needs when you can’t even take care of your own? Of course, being there for someone is good to an extent as your mind is taken off your pain for a bit. That however has to be a choice.  That person should not feel obligated to help the other person.

Try exercising. True, exercise can have the same effect as an anti-depressant, but to those who like using that line, have you ever thought that you might be telling him or her that she looks fat and needs to lose weight? Of course, exercise could be used as a suggestion but don’t make him or her feel that it’s mandatory. Otherwise, in addition to have that person never speak to you again, you could get beat down.

Shop at a whole-foods store and you’ll feel better. What if you can’t afford it? And why should I get told that my favorite foods is what is making me feel down? That could be a good idea but that is not the sole reason that would make someone be depressed.

Meditation and yoga is what you need. If someone is just mildly or moderately depressed, maybe, but for someone who suffers from extreme anxiety and major depression is different. Some people have said that it has worsened their suicidal thoughts.

Get a new job. Every job does cause its share of stress and stress is not what a depressed person needs. Bear in mind  however that one can’t make major decisions when he or she is depressed. He or she should be encouraged to make major decisions such as getting a new job when he or she is stable; if  indeed that is what is contributing to the depression.

Are you happy in your relationship? What sort of a question is that? How do we know that people who’ve ended relationships are less depressed, even though an unhealthy relationship can be a trigger to major depression. Why do you think some people commit suicide after a relationship has ended?

You have everything you need to get better. In my opinion, that’s like telling someone who has cancer or diabetes that he or she can get better. Modern medicine does actually aid in the recovery process, and the same goes for depression. Just like how a defective pancreas or cancer cells sometimes which are passed down my genes, a chemical imbalance is what can be a contributing cause of depression and that can be corrected with an anti-depression.

Do you want to get better? That’s like telling somebody that he or she can make a choice to bet happy. Some people can be going through phases that can contribute to depression; such as someone who  suffers from bipolar depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD); both of which I suffer from  has the power to control how he or she feels. People in that state can’t control how they’ll feel the next day. Their moods are unpredictable. Personally, I find that suggestion insulting because there are times when I have little or no control over how I’ll be feeling. Just like how asthma can be triggered by things such as dust or pollen, depression can be triggered by a horrible event; such as a death in the family, or constant negative things about the person that can bring him or her down because he  or she is made to feel bad about him or herself.

Everybody has problems. There is nothing in the whole world  that makes me madder than being told that. True, some people’s problems can be greater than the other person, but everyone’s unique. What might affect one person won’t necessarily affect the other person. Being told that others have it worse  will not provide little or no consolation; unless that other person is dealing with the same issue; even though people do handle situations differently from others.

Sometimes people do have good intentions in trying to help someone who’s depressed. However, they should bear in mind that what might work for someone might not work for someone else. Also some people are not just depressed. It can be because of a chemical imbalance or a horrible or traumatic even that occurred in his or her life.

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Attitude, Mental Illness and Triggers

My mom and me have had this conversation over and over again and I keep disagreeing with her. She keeps saying I need to have the right attitude in my treatment of my mental illness. What attitude do I need to have? How can I predict how I’m going to feel the next hour, tomorrow, or the following week?

I’m not saying one can’t have a positive attitude. I think that is a step in the right direction, but it can’t be used as the sole method of treating a mental  illness. In addition to certain mental illnesses running in the family, the environment that one resides in can have an adverse effect on a person mentally, emotionally and psychologically. Simply being around negative issues, such as someone constantly  tearing another one down by either making fun of his person, his ambitions, or other issues that he can find sensitive is just enough for his or her self-image to be diminished. Then there is the matter of a person who has been through a traumatic experience, such as an accident, rape or the death of a loved one. How can simply “having a positive attitude” be enough to treat the “mental issues?” That individual may need help in dealing with those issues and that’s where medication and therapy would come in.

And what about the environment? You see, mental issues such as bipolar and schizophrenia can be triggered either by something or someone that reminds him or her of something unpleasant that happened in that environment that only added fuel to the fire over the period of time from when he or she was “normal” to the period that the mental illness was fully developed. What happens if the person remains  in that environment with little or no treatment, or after treatment and therapy, or either of them has ended ends up smack dab right back in the unhealthy environment?

Mental illness is a lot like Asthma. You can take medications until hell freezes over, and they would do little or no good if you yourself fail to properly manage those symptoms by staying away from plants that trigger the illness or a large amount of dust. True, over time they can be brought under control, but something can go wrong and bring on the symptoms again. It’s the same thing with mental  illness. Unless something is done about the environment; which could result in having to leave it all together, the symptoms have little chance of being kept under control. I’m talking from personal experience.  Already, since coming home; which has been made worse by the fact that I feel like I came home because I had to, I’ve had at least three meltdowns. They were triggered simply by being reminded of something  unpleasant by the way I was related to while trying to express a fear I had. I felt cornered. I felt trapped. I felt like I was in a place where I couldn’t express my emotions. Thus, the only way I felt I could release them was to either yell or throw stuff. I’ve broken a few stuff and I can’t go into detail about that without breaking down and crying. Just being here brings back horrible memories of saying and doing stuff that has resulted in me having a constant struggle with guilt, and my meltdowns have been triggered by things said that I would rather not talk about, and because of my wishes not being respected, I’d just explode.

Simply having a positive attitude will not help in treating a mental  illness. Other things have to be done, such as obtaining the proper treatment, or being away from that unhealthy environment. If none of those are done, and let me give  it to you straight as I can,  forget about treatment. It will NOT  happen.

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This Is It!

Well I just gotta say this seems to be the end. There’s little or no hope to get the extensive treatment I need to be better able to control my issues, especially my eating disorder and my bipolar symptoms. My mom’s switched gears. First she said I should do therapy and treatment because I can’t work now in my state which is true. She thinks  it’ll be a huge burden financially even though I kept saying I’d be treated for free. It’s no use because talking to her is like talking to a brick-wall. It’s my fault. If I had been more assertive in my career choice instead of letting my family and their friends and associates manipulate me in my selection of career choice, I wouldn’t be in this mess. I set myself up to be manipulated because of the financial situation I’m in. I have no hope of returning to where I’ll get the treatment and to get away from this environment of triggers and guilt. All I’m left with is the less than desirable treatment I’ll get here which will be very humiliating and inhuman which won’t be good for me.

So I’m afraid there’s  no other way out than death. Sometimes, death can be an awesome thing. It can relieve pain and suffering, and I think it’ll do that for me. I’m not trying to be insensitive to those who’ve lost loved ones to death, because that’s painful. I’m just saying it’d be good for me. I’m just too chicken to carry it out although I have options to do it which I won’t say on here. I mean it. Even if I don’t do it today, tomorrow, or in months, I feel like I’ll end up doing it especially if there’s sudden trigger and the thoughts come which I can’t control. Just being here is reminding me of the guilt because of the rages I’ve been in that’s made me break things. I’m scared of myself in this environment especially if the chances of me getting the treatment I need will be close to nil. I’ve seen it so I know it. I’ve seen how “mentally ill” people are treated out here because of the stigma attached to it. Those people are seen as the scum of the earth, based on the way they’re judged and how people treat them worse than how the lowest animal is treated. I can’t deal with that if I wanna get better. I need a whole new environment. I don’t mind visiting home. I just hate  it when I’m forced to because of circumstances. All that has don’e is make me hate home even more and strain the relationship with my mom.

I’m sorry if I triggered anyone. If you feel that I’m not the type of person you wanna be friends with, I don’t blame you. You can go right ahead and get rid of me. You don’t need people like me in your life.

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Accused of Wanting Sympathy

Guess what? I was just asked if I’m looking for sympathy by my own mom; just because I expressed my fear of having people I knew before I got my diagnosis when one person was trying to contact me and talk to me on Facebook chat when I’d rather not to.

Then she asked me if I had committed murder or some crime and was out on bail. She doesn’t get it. She seems to think I should move around and connect with those people again; even the judgemental ones. Why should I? I’m here trying to figure out what’s going on with me and trying to find options. I need space in order to do that. The last thing I need is to have people crowding me in and leaving me little or no breathing space; telling me to do things that won’t necessarily work for me; thus making me feel guilty and be triggered all over again. I always respect other people’s space and refrain from talking about things they don’t talk about, but where I’m concerned, I shouldn’t have that luxury. If I say I either want to be  left alone or tell people I don’t feel comfortable talking to or who just want stuff to gossip about trying to prove their point about me, I get told how I’m this and that.

When will people get it that I don’t want sympathy? Why would I go around telling just any and anyone about my mental issues and I don’t like to talk about stuff; especially sensitive stuff? My mom knows me better than that, or should know me. I resent that so much. I’m too angry to cry; although I might do that later when my anger cools off. Right now I feel like either self-harming, or breaking something. I’d rather self-harm than break things, because I don’t want to accidentally break anything that’s of sentimental value. I’ve already broken stuff around here that I can’t really talk about without crying. My mom doesn’t understand that either. The thing is, I’m picky about who I tell things like this to. It was only since I came to You Tube, Formspring and Twitter that I was able to meet people who suffered from the same issues that encouraged me to open up. Even that’s causing problems as the present trend is that I lose a follower everyday. I know I’m probably making too big a deal out of this, but I can’t help it. I don’t mean to sound clingy here,but for now you’re the only ones I feel comfortable talking about stuff to. Many of my other real-life friends don’t even fully understand what’s going on with me. All that’s done is that I’m being told that I’m playing victim. If so be the case, whatever.

I’m just really upset about being accused of wanting sympathy. I’m being accused of telling people my sensitive issues so I can get sympathy. I’m guessing other people think that way about me. One reason why I keep wanting to delete my social sites but don’t have the guts to. To be honest, I see no point in being on them. I guess I should shut my mouth from now on. I guess I should also quit being supportive of my friends or people who also have issues. As far as things are going right now, it’s pointless. I’ve already given people the wrong impression and it just has to stop.

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Mood Swings and Airplanes ( Could be triggering)

Isn’t it amazing how fast our moods can change? I think it’s  more pronounced in people who are Bipolar and who have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m living proof of that.

Not too long ago I was feeling really great,and was responding to questions in my Formspring box and commenting on You Tube videos. I guess maybe it was because I started out by watching plane videos; in particular one of a crazy helicopter pilot who was flying his helicopter under a bridge! I found it scary and at the same time entertaining. I was even planning to write an airplane blog to give some flight lessons, but I’ll have to read them again because it’s been ages since I’ve flown; no wait, last year me and this aviation student flew from the airport that the aviation department uses for flight-training to the mall in Kennewick, Washington. There was an airstrip within walking distance and I was like, wouldn’t it be cool to take some girls to the mall in the plane? Not that I’m brave enough to ask a girl out. It was just a thought. Anyway, he actually handed the plane over to me and I got to fly it for a little bit.I was a bit nervous  but I’ll do it again,but I’m straying from the point about my moods.

My moods suddenly crashed and I started crying. I can’t figure out why exactly. It just happened. If anyone else has that problem I’d love to hear from you.  Could it be my either my Borderline Personality acting up or my Bipolar type two? Could it be the combination of Concerta which I should be taking for ADD, but I really want to take it to lose weight. I know at my present weight I should lose any more but I can’t help it. I guess I should be-inpatient or get therapy. I should be returning to the US to get intensive therapy and continue to see my psychiatrist who said he’d treat me for free.  Could it be God working? Sometimes, even though I believe in Him; or want to believe in Him, sometimes I can’t feel Him or see Him at work despite what other people might tell me. As a result that leaves me confused, but I can tell you this much.

You see before I returned to Jamaica I’d been feverishly searching for an eating disorder center that would not only treat guys but that was affordable. That was like searching for a needle in a haystack. A few of the ones I did find were quite pricey and I have no insurance. Many of them in Washington don’t cover high-risk cases and an eating disorder  is considered to be high-risk. It was when I went to my psychiatrist to figure  out options that he introduced me to this therapist that if God wills I’ll work with. He then said he’d treat me for free. Are there many doctors who would do that?

Yeah I just wanted to write this out and vent about my moods swings. I’m feeling a little better just writing this out. I’m going to try to eat some jello although I’m worried it might make me gain weight. And I’m also going to watch Operation Repo on Tru TV. They say that station is based on actuality but it sounds like an oxymoron to me; based on the fact that they aren’t all that real. I guess they’re just based on true-life situations but I’ll quit talking about that lest I get sued. Take care and I’ll write some more another time.

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Useless, Unappreciated, Alone

Ever had those times when you feel so alone, and useless? Ever had those times when you feel like no one appreciates you or your effort to reach out to others? Ever feel like you can’t fit in? Well that is just how I feel from time to time. In fact, that’s the way I’m feeling now; even though the new friends I made have the same issues that I do.

Right now, I feel like no one is appreciating my efforts to inspire or reach out to them. No one appreciates me, my videos or the comments I make to build them up or encourage them. I don’t know what to make of it. I wonder if I’m being too smothering or what. Only God He knows. I’ve seen situations like this that look really queer. I don’t know how to describe it, but I can say this much. I can remember giving all my support to one person, but the minute I needed someone to talk to, all Hell broke loose. Now I feel like someone who was annoying and a stalker. I’ve gotten the same treatment from others who are all supportive of others,but where I’m concerned, I’m so queer and hard to connect with that I’m just in the way. I feel like I’m getting little or no support, maybe because I’m a guy, or because I’m “mentally ill” and there’s a negative stigma attached to mental illness, especially if it’s a guy. Part of it is my fault, I must admit.

You see, I had a previous You Tube channel. I got loads of support when I had that channel.When I could talk on camera and give my experiences and how I felt. Then I decided I should use a different way that would be less depressing. I also wanted to use it as an inspiration to others who are going through the same stuff. It was then I discovered I could use something I love very much and have a huge passion for. Airplanes! I don’t know how I did it sometimes but after a while I discovered that it worked. I may share some examples, although I doubt you’ll find the relevance to me trying to inspire myself and others who are going through the same thing. I can’t really remember the technique that I used, but hopefully it’ll make sense to you. It was my rashness that led to me suddenly taking that channel down.

Now I have a new channel and I feel like I’m getting little or no support. What hurts is that some of those who I thought would subscribe to me haven’t. I feel out on a limb here as a result. I feel like no one understands me any more. I don’t know if my plane videos got old or didn’t make any sense any more. I’ve started to feel weird and fear that people are thinking of me in a negative light when I comment on people I’ve subscribed to when at times they’re not even my friends! I mean I’m  getting new subscribers which awesome because we have the same thing in common; which is mainly our passion for airplanes. The problem is, it feels kinda weird opening up to them emotionally because I fear they don’t really understand; plus many of them are guys and for me, it’s hard to open up emotionally to guys. It’s easier for me to open up emotionally to girls although they scare me to death. Yeah, I know you’ll think this is weird and I don’t blame you. I can’t recall any other guy saying the same thing. I’ve had girls talk that way too.

Then there is this thing and I’ve seen it prevalent on-line, is this business of people saying “I love you” and all that crap. I’ve had it said to me and I was dumb enough to think it was cool that someone apart from family could say that to me. I started getting in the habit and that’s when things went wrong. I don’t say that to people any more. Sometimes I can’t say it to even my own mom! I’ve begun to regard love as a dirty word. I can tell you if someone were to say to me, “I love you” I wouldn’t believe it. I also don’t believe people when they say they care about me.

I’ve also had my trust my trust broken that way before,  and as a result, I don’t trust people any more. I don’t even let people get to close to me. In fact, I don’t let people I don’t think I can connect with get close to me period. I can’t even hug people any more. It feels weird now if someone tries to hug me. I couldn’t even hug my own mom and she started saying I’d gotten distant and said how we were close at one time. We were closer when I was away at school, but it feels like the relationship got strained when I had to come home because of not renuwing some papers  in time so I could work right after graduation. She doesn’t seem to understand that the environment at home and its surroundings is very triggering and is enough to set me off. I’ve  associated with people who were every judgemental of mentally ill people. I remember full well when I was judged when I first became anorexic which then moved on to bulimia. To be honest, I was a little judgemental myself. Since I met some of you on You Tube, Formspring, Facebook which I deleted and Twitter which I’m close to deleting; and also since I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder type two and Borderline Personalty Disorder, I’m not any more. I’m just worried that I might become disconnected from my “friends”, but then I’m unpredictable.   I feel weirded out about having to re-connect with those people again, and have to listen to their judgementalness of “mentally ill” people.

That again is something that neither my mom, or her family members understand. They think I should open up to them; which includes letting them pry into my life under the premise that “they care” I’ve been around them long enough to know that all they want to do is talk about me behind their backs. I remember when I wanted to do aviation instead of teaching that I got that. I got made out to be a loser and all those fun stuff.

They also think I should be able to function like everyone else,and even use other people like me to make reference to that. I feel that we’ll never be able to get along because of her not accepting the fact that I’m different. She won’t even accept the fact that some of her friends and relatives have said things that caused a mega relapse when I thought I had my depression under control. I mean  if the tables were turned, I’d get told that I shouldn’t say stuff like that. I don’t know why all of that has changed. I don’t know if the death of my dad had anything to do with it or what. You see he didn’t believe in confrontation or just saying whatever to people without regards to how they’ll feel after. My mom doesn’t seem to care about that any more. That’s why I don’t think I’m compatible with any of my family. Even that and they way they treated me when I was depressed and eventually banned me from ever visiting them again, my mom asked me why I had to sleep in the airport the time when I missed my flight from John F. Kennedy to SeaTac. I was like, “Hello! Have them question me, I don’t  think so. It’s like she just goes my instinct instead of thinking about stuff first.

It was the same thing when she she suddenly came up with the idea of therapy that I tried to say would be pointless if I had return to the triggering environment and if I got the feeling that my life was stuck.  You see I wanted to goback to school for another degree so I could give myself more options. I wanted to do socioology which I thought would enhance my degree  in mass communication. Would she listen to me? Oh no.

Right now I feel stuck. It even had to be cut short when I had to suddenly return to Jamaica. Now I’m freaking out as to whether I’ll be able to return to the US and it’s just making things worse for me. She still doesn’t get it. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. Then again, she could be right, because I can’t function. The way things are now, I don’t think I would be able to function in school. I don’t think I can work either, and my mom thinks so too. She said I should quit trying to apply for job still I got better. I just hate the fact that everyone else seems to be moving ahead with their lives and being congratulated while I’m stuck. I’m even afraid that I’ll be compared with such people. All it does is just enhance my suicidal thoughts I get from time to time and the sudden urges to hurt myself. Thank God they don’t last very long although sometimes I feel that way for days.

That pretty much sums up everything about my life as it stands. I feel useless, unappreciated and alone. But then, it’s understandable. Those of you who are trying to recover or are going through similar circumstances need people who can give you encouragement and not someone to bring you down. I don’t think I’m doing that.  Instead, I feel like I’m doing the latter. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to be friends with me any more. I’m hard to understand. I don’t understand myself either. With the proper therapy some of you can eventually get recovered, even if it takes forever. My brain is just wired differently and I can’t predict how I’ll feel the next minute or why I do weird things or make unwise decisions only to regret them after. And the perception that I’m being clingy and constantly worrying about who wants to be my friends makes it worse for me. I’ve lost all trust for people in general and think they’re all fake and judgemental. Sorry if I hurt anyone with this statement.

Bottom line is that I don’t think I’ve been supportive enough. I also think it’s been taken the wrong way. I just don’t think I can do it any more. I don’t think I can leave my little world and reach out to people who either take things the wrong way or who don’t appreciate me. I also don’t want to be clingy or make people feel obligated to be there for me. You could give me all  the pity in the world, but that’ll never change my situation. I think that the best thing I can do for you and for me is to just back off. One reason why I deleted Formspring, Facebook and am really thinking of closing my Twitter account. Something seems to be holding me, I don’t know, and it’s driving me crazy. That’s all for now. Sorry if I bored you or triggered you in any way. I hope everyone else is well. Take care

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGcSpNWO42k

That was the second to last video I which pretty much talks about what I just said

Now, here’s one with me using crashed and damaged airplanes to demonstrate how I was feeling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfaGbY-agUM

 

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