Manic Episode,and Mind-altering Drugs

I had a manic episode yesterday. I suddenly had a flight of ideas and made all these plans, which included starting an airline and plans to take road-trips once I got back to the United States. During that episode I became overwhelmed at all the plans I had as my mind raced as if it were participating in Formula 1. At the end of it all, I just broke down and cried. It felt good to cry. To just let it out. Nobody was home so I felt I had the freedom and privacy to let out my emotions.

I get frustrated to the point of rage at people’s ignorance of mental illness. As a result, there is a negative stigma attached to mental illness. People treat us like garbage; like we’re not human beings. We’re not supposed to share our opinions or concerns with others. We’re either ignored or shouted down. People think we can just “get over it.” How do you expect someone to get over the emotional and psychological scars brought about by unhealthy environments or as a result of a traumatic experience?  What if you’re stuck in the surroundings that helped to trigger the mental issues? I struggle with that.

People; family even, think we can just be positive and it will all go away.  Hence, people refuse to acknowledge the things that make us tick; whether it’s a potential trigger, or a horrible memory which we’d rather forget about.  I have had melt-downs because of it. For example, I’m feeling close to having a melt-down right now.  I had to leave the living-room because my mom came to watch the news and when she does, she makes the fan rotate instead of just staying in one place. I’m extremely heat sensitive; that is when it’s humid. If I don’t have to spend a long time in it, or if it’s just dry heat, I’m okay. When I feel that weird and I want to be left alone, I’m prone to that. When it comes I can’t control it. It happens especially if I feel cornered and forced to hold in my emotions which is hard for me to do. I’m not saying that we should use “mental illness” as a crutch. I’m merely saying that “mental illness” is not the common cold. It’s disease that if left untreated could result in disastrous consequences. This is where psychiatrists and therapists come in.

Then there’s the question of using mind-altering drugs. Almost every day I see one being advertised on TV. At the end of the advertisement; after saying how wonderful it is, the side-effects are mentioned. Isn’t it ironic that something that’s supposed to treat you can actually hurt you? I’ve been on Zoloft; when I was first misdiagnosed as having depression. It made me really manic and made me do things that I’d normally be scared to do. It also made me feel like I had little or no emotion and made me unable to concentrate on things for long periods of time. I have been taking Concerta for my Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). When I first starting taking it, it made me feel even more depressed and suicidal even.  It also increased my anxiety. Then it would make me shaky and feel like something inside of me is going to erupt. I hated that feeling so I quit taking it. Now it’s a challenge for me to even write this blog and my head feels; just weird. In the US I used to take Adderall, and even though it really cleared my mind to the point that I could watch TV and study at the same time, it made me feel really aggressive and it caused me to have a double-vision. After watching You Tube videos of people giving their experiences with those drugs, I’m scared to take them again. I’m now at my wits end because I don’t know what medication will help me. Some of them will make me have trouble sleeping, gain or lose weight. Yet without them, I don’t think I’ll be able to function. I’m afraid it’s a no-win situation here.

This was just me ranting about my manic episodes and mind-altering drugs. I really hope this made sense to you although to be honest, it doesn’t feel like it’s making any sense to me.

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Mood Swings and Airplanes ( Could be triggering)

Isn’t it amazing how fast our moods can change? I think it’s  more pronounced in people who are Bipolar and who have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m living proof of that.

Not too long ago I was feeling really great,and was responding to questions in my Formspring box and commenting on You Tube videos. I guess maybe it was because I started out by watching plane videos; in particular one of a crazy helicopter pilot who was flying his helicopter under a bridge! I found it scary and at the same time entertaining. I was even planning to write an airplane blog to give some flight lessons, but I’ll have to read them again because it’s been ages since I’ve flown; no wait, last year me and this aviation student flew from the airport that the aviation department uses for flight-training to the mall in Kennewick, Washington. There was an airstrip within walking distance and I was like, wouldn’t it be cool to take some girls to the mall in the plane? Not that I’m brave enough to ask a girl out. It was just a thought. Anyway, he actually handed the plane over to me and I got to fly it for a little bit.I was a bit nervous  but I’ll do it again,but I’m straying from the point about my moods.

My moods suddenly crashed and I started crying. I can’t figure out why exactly. It just happened. If anyone else has that problem I’d love to hear from you.  Could it be my either my Borderline Personality acting up or my Bipolar type two? Could it be the combination of Concerta which I should be taking for ADD, but I really want to take it to lose weight. I know at my present weight I should lose any more but I can’t help it. I guess I should be-inpatient or get therapy. I should be returning to the US to get intensive therapy and continue to see my psychiatrist who said he’d treat me for free.  Could it be God working? Sometimes, even though I believe in Him; or want to believe in Him, sometimes I can’t feel Him or see Him at work despite what other people might tell me. As a result that leaves me confused, but I can tell you this much.

You see before I returned to Jamaica I’d been feverishly searching for an eating disorder center that would not only treat guys but that was affordable. That was like searching for a needle in a haystack. A few of the ones I did find were quite pricey and I have no insurance. Many of them in Washington don’t cover high-risk cases and an eating disorder  is considered to be high-risk. It was when I went to my psychiatrist to figure  out options that he introduced me to this therapist that if God wills I’ll work with. He then said he’d treat me for free. Are there many doctors who would do that?

Yeah I just wanted to write this out and vent about my moods swings. I’m feeling a little better just writing this out. I’m going to try to eat some jello although I’m worried it might make me gain weight. And I’m also going to watch Operation Repo on Tru TV. They say that station is based on actuality but it sounds like an oxymoron to me; based on the fact that they aren’t all that real. I guess they’re just based on true-life situations but I’ll quit talking about that lest I get sued. Take care and I’ll write some more another time.

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