Attitude, Mental Illness and Triggers

My mom and me have had this conversation over and over again and I keep disagreeing with her. She keeps saying I need to have the right attitude in my treatment of my mental illness. What attitude do I need to have? How can I predict how I’m going to feel the next hour, tomorrow, or the following week?

I’m not saying one can’t have a positive attitude. I think that is a step in the right direction, but it can’t be used as the sole method of treating a mental  illness. In addition to certain mental illnesses running in the family, the environment that one resides in can have an adverse effect on a person mentally, emotionally and psychologically. Simply being around negative issues, such as someone constantly  tearing another one down by either making fun of his person, his ambitions, or other issues that he can find sensitive is just enough for his or her self-image to be diminished. Then there is the matter of a person who has been through a traumatic experience, such as an accident, rape or the death of a loved one. How can simply “having a positive attitude” be enough to treat the “mental issues?” That individual may need help in dealing with those issues and that’s where medication and therapy would come in.

And what about the environment? You see, mental issues such as bipolar and schizophrenia can be triggered either by something or someone that reminds him or her of something unpleasant that happened in that environment that only added fuel to the fire over the period of time from when he or she was “normal” to the period that the mental illness was fully developed. What happens if the person remains  in that environment with little or no treatment, or after treatment and therapy, or either of them has ended ends up smack dab right back in the unhealthy environment?

Mental illness is a lot like Asthma. You can take medications until hell freezes over, and they would do little or no good if you yourself fail to properly manage those symptoms by staying away from plants that trigger the illness or a large amount of dust. True, over time they can be brought under control, but something can go wrong and bring on the symptoms again. It’s the same thing with mental  illness. Unless something is done about the environment; which could result in having to leave it all together, the symptoms have little chance of being kept under control. I’m talking from personal experience.  Already, since coming home; which has been made worse by the fact that I feel like I came home because I had to, I’ve had at least three meltdowns. They were triggered simply by being reminded of something  unpleasant by the way I was related to while trying to express a fear I had. I felt cornered. I felt trapped. I felt like I was in a place where I couldn’t express my emotions. Thus, the only way I felt I could release them was to either yell or throw stuff. I’ve broken a few stuff and I can’t go into detail about that without breaking down and crying. Just being here brings back horrible memories of saying and doing stuff that has resulted in me having a constant struggle with guilt, and my meltdowns have been triggered by things said that I would rather not talk about, and because of my wishes not being respected, I’d just explode.

Simply having a positive attitude will not help in treating a mental  illness. Other things have to be done, such as obtaining the proper treatment, or being away from that unhealthy environment. If none of those are done, and let me give  it to you straight as I can,  forget about treatment. It will NOT  happen.

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I Want Out Of Here! (Triggering)

I’ve thought and thought about death many times. Thoughts on how I might achieve that goal keep running through my mind. The question is, what if I fail and end up having some life-long issue because of failing? Another question is, am I too chicken to try it? Here are some backgrounds to why I’m feeling like this.

The demon of depression has been around longer than I can remember. I can’t forget the first time I was diagnosed with depression. It was as if my life changed forever. I now have a negative stigma attached to my name. I ended up with a horrible reputation because of what people assumed about me. I will never be able to clear my name or properly explain things. No one believes me. Even the school counselors with all these fancy degrees have that negative concept about me and my trying to explain myself just feels like I’m talking to brick walls. I had to drop out of college for a while. I ended up having to crash with my relatives so I could see the doctor. They treated me like crap. I’m not welcome at some of their homes any more. I feel like they’ve helped contribute to my demise but my mom doesn’t think so. She won’t even entertain the discussion about them.

The climax came when I was diagnosed with and eating disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder. It seems more than ever that the times I did weird things and unintentionally hurt people during my mood swings. The guilt of not being there for my dad as I should have been but couldn’t because of my issues in addition to not dealing with his illness too well. My friends from home here in Jamaica didn’t understand what was happening and why I acted the way I did. I feel so ashamed of the way I acted. I broke things. There was one time I broke something but I can’t write about it without breaking down. I’m even now starting to cry thinking of it.

I just can’t face my friends knowing that I’m mentally ill. I can vividly remember when they used to be very judgemental of mentally ill people. Sadly I was too and now I’m so ashamed of myself. The possible triggers are just driving me insane. Tonight one of them messaged me on Facebook asking where in Jamaica I was. I don’t know how he knew I was down here. He said he needed  help with something and I think I know what it involves. Driving down here and that was one of my weak points.The traffic  is crazy. The drivers are scary. I’m in no shape to drive in a place like this. I can’t forget the teasing I got which triggered my disorders that they didn’t know I had. Thank God I don’t have a car down here. I feel weird having to connect with him and other people again; knowing I have these illnesses. I’m afraid of myself. I’m even now more than ever scared to leave the house which is gonna be a problem because I need to get my papers renewed. I need to visit my psychiatrist here so I can get another letter from him to take with me so I can renew my papers. I also need to get new contacts. I feel like a fool for not taking care of them before leaving the US. I fear if I leave the house I’ll run into him or someone else. What will I tell them if they start questioning me about my life?

It is because of this the suicidal thoughts have come back. I feel so useless and worthless. I feel like I’ll be forced to re-live the guilt and ridicule that will be triggering. My own mom doesn’t understand what’s going on. She only worries about what my suicide will do to her. She doesn’t seem to understand that I’m hurting too and that I can’t stay alive to be stuck in all these triggers which will be worse if I don’t get the help I need. It really scares me to death. I just don’t have the guts to do it and I’m not quite sure about the method I’ll use to do it. All I know is is that I just want to die. I feel like it’ll be a relief for me. I won’t have to face this guilt. I won’t have to worry about being triggered. The horrible voices in my head will stop. I won’t be a bother to people any more. The world will still go on. I’ll be forgotten years from now. I’m trying to hold on for my mom’s sake because I know she’ll be lonely and I’m all she’s got since my dad died, but I can’t hold on any more. I just can’t. I just can’t.

I really don’t see the point in living any more. All that’ll follow me as long as I’m alive is all the  unpleasant memories, triggers and the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness; especially when other people start boasting about what they’ve achieved and what they’re doing with their lives. I nothing to boast about. I have nothing to show. I really can’t hold on any more. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

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Mood Swings and Airplanes ( Could be triggering)

Isn’t it amazing how fast our moods can change? I think it’s  more pronounced in people who are Bipolar and who have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m living proof of that.

Not too long ago I was feeling really great,and was responding to questions in my Formspring box and commenting on You Tube videos. I guess maybe it was because I started out by watching plane videos; in particular one of a crazy helicopter pilot who was flying his helicopter under a bridge! I found it scary and at the same time entertaining. I was even planning to write an airplane blog to give some flight lessons, but I’ll have to read them again because it’s been ages since I’ve flown; no wait, last year me and this aviation student flew from the airport that the aviation department uses for flight-training to the mall in Kennewick, Washington. There was an airstrip within walking distance and I was like, wouldn’t it be cool to take some girls to the mall in the plane? Not that I’m brave enough to ask a girl out. It was just a thought. Anyway, he actually handed the plane over to me and I got to fly it for a little bit.I was a bit nervous  but I’ll do it again,but I’m straying from the point about my moods.

My moods suddenly crashed and I started crying. I can’t figure out why exactly. It just happened. If anyone else has that problem I’d love to hear from you.  Could it be my either my Borderline Personality acting up or my Bipolar type two? Could it be the combination of Concerta which I should be taking for ADD, but I really want to take it to lose weight. I know at my present weight I should lose any more but I can’t help it. I guess I should be-inpatient or get therapy. I should be returning to the US to get intensive therapy and continue to see my psychiatrist who said he’d treat me for free.  Could it be God working? Sometimes, even though I believe in Him; or want to believe in Him, sometimes I can’t feel Him or see Him at work despite what other people might tell me. As a result that leaves me confused, but I can tell you this much.

You see before I returned to Jamaica I’d been feverishly searching for an eating disorder center that would not only treat guys but that was affordable. That was like searching for a needle in a haystack. A few of the ones I did find were quite pricey and I have no insurance. Many of them in Washington don’t cover high-risk cases and an eating disorder  is considered to be high-risk. It was when I went to my psychiatrist to figure  out options that he introduced me to this therapist that if God wills I’ll work with. He then said he’d treat me for free. Are there many doctors who would do that?

Yeah I just wanted to write this out and vent about my moods swings. I’m feeling a little better just writing this out. I’m going to try to eat some jello although I’m worried it might make me gain weight. And I’m also going to watch Operation Repo on Tru TV. They say that station is based on actuality but it sounds like an oxymoron to me; based on the fact that they aren’t all that real. I guess they’re just based on true-life situations but I’ll quit talking about that lest I get sued. Take care and I’ll write some more another time.

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Useless, Unappreciated, Alone

Ever had those times when you feel so alone, and useless? Ever had those times when you feel like no one appreciates you or your effort to reach out to others? Ever feel like you can’t fit in? Well that is just how I feel from time to time. In fact, that’s the way I’m feeling now; even though the new friends I made have the same issues that I do.

Right now, I feel like no one is appreciating my efforts to inspire or reach out to them. No one appreciates me, my videos or the comments I make to build them up or encourage them. I don’t know what to make of it. I wonder if I’m being too smothering or what. Only God He knows. I’ve seen situations like this that look really queer. I don’t know how to describe it, but I can say this much. I can remember giving all my support to one person, but the minute I needed someone to talk to, all Hell broke loose. Now I feel like someone who was annoying and a stalker. I’ve gotten the same treatment from others who are all supportive of others,but where I’m concerned, I’m so queer and hard to connect with that I’m just in the way. I feel like I’m getting little or no support, maybe because I’m a guy, or because I’m “mentally ill” and there’s a negative stigma attached to mental illness, especially if it’s a guy. Part of it is my fault, I must admit.

You see, I had a previous You Tube channel. I got loads of support when I had that channel.When I could talk on camera and give my experiences and how I felt. Then I decided I should use a different way that would be less depressing. I also wanted to use it as an inspiration to others who are going through the same stuff. It was then I discovered I could use something I love very much and have a huge passion for. Airplanes! I don’t know how I did it sometimes but after a while I discovered that it worked. I may share some examples, although I doubt you’ll find the relevance to me trying to inspire myself and others who are going through the same thing. I can’t really remember the technique that I used, but hopefully it’ll make sense to you. It was my rashness that led to me suddenly taking that channel down.

Now I have a new channel and I feel like I’m getting little or no support. What hurts is that some of those who I thought would subscribe to me haven’t. I feel out on a limb here as a result. I feel like no one understands me any more. I don’t know if my plane videos got old or didn’t make any sense any more. I’ve started to feel weird and fear that people are thinking of me in a negative light when I comment on people I’ve subscribed to when at times they’re not even my friends! I mean I’m  getting new subscribers which awesome because we have the same thing in common; which is mainly our passion for airplanes. The problem is, it feels kinda weird opening up to them emotionally because I fear they don’t really understand; plus many of them are guys and for me, it’s hard to open up emotionally to guys. It’s easier for me to open up emotionally to girls although they scare me to death. Yeah, I know you’ll think this is weird and I don’t blame you. I can’t recall any other guy saying the same thing. I’ve had girls talk that way too.

Then there is this thing and I’ve seen it prevalent on-line, is this business of people saying “I love you” and all that crap. I’ve had it said to me and I was dumb enough to think it was cool that someone apart from family could say that to me. I started getting in the habit and that’s when things went wrong. I don’t say that to people any more. Sometimes I can’t say it to even my own mom! I’ve begun to regard love as a dirty word. I can tell you if someone were to say to me, “I love you” I wouldn’t believe it. I also don’t believe people when they say they care about me.

I’ve also had my trust my trust broken that way before,  and as a result, I don’t trust people any more. I don’t even let people get to close to me. In fact, I don’t let people I don’t think I can connect with get close to me period. I can’t even hug people any more. It feels weird now if someone tries to hug me. I couldn’t even hug my own mom and she started saying I’d gotten distant and said how we were close at one time. We were closer when I was away at school, but it feels like the relationship got strained when I had to come home because of not renuwing some papers  in time so I could work right after graduation. She doesn’t seem to understand that the environment at home and its surroundings is very triggering and is enough to set me off. I’ve  associated with people who were every judgemental of mentally ill people. I remember full well when I was judged when I first became anorexic which then moved on to bulimia. To be honest, I was a little judgemental myself. Since I met some of you on You Tube, Formspring, Facebook which I deleted and Twitter which I’m close to deleting; and also since I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder type two and Borderline Personalty Disorder, I’m not any more. I’m just worried that I might become disconnected from my “friends”, but then I’m unpredictable.   I feel weirded out about having to re-connect with those people again, and have to listen to their judgementalness of “mentally ill” people.

That again is something that neither my mom, or her family members understand. They think I should open up to them; which includes letting them pry into my life under the premise that “they care” I’ve been around them long enough to know that all they want to do is talk about me behind their backs. I remember when I wanted to do aviation instead of teaching that I got that. I got made out to be a loser and all those fun stuff.

They also think I should be able to function like everyone else,and even use other people like me to make reference to that. I feel that we’ll never be able to get along because of her not accepting the fact that I’m different. She won’t even accept the fact that some of her friends and relatives have said things that caused a mega relapse when I thought I had my depression under control. I mean  if the tables were turned, I’d get told that I shouldn’t say stuff like that. I don’t know why all of that has changed. I don’t know if the death of my dad had anything to do with it or what. You see he didn’t believe in confrontation or just saying whatever to people without regards to how they’ll feel after. My mom doesn’t seem to care about that any more. That’s why I don’t think I’m compatible with any of my family. Even that and they way they treated me when I was depressed and eventually banned me from ever visiting them again, my mom asked me why I had to sleep in the airport the time when I missed my flight from John F. Kennedy to SeaTac. I was like, “Hello! Have them question me, I don’t  think so. It’s like she just goes my instinct instead of thinking about stuff first.

It was the same thing when she she suddenly came up with the idea of therapy that I tried to say would be pointless if I had return to the triggering environment and if I got the feeling that my life was stuck.  You see I wanted to goback to school for another degree so I could give myself more options. I wanted to do socioology which I thought would enhance my degree  in mass communication. Would she listen to me? Oh no.

Right now I feel stuck. It even had to be cut short when I had to suddenly return to Jamaica. Now I’m freaking out as to whether I’ll be able to return to the US and it’s just making things worse for me. She still doesn’t get it. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. Then again, she could be right, because I can’t function. The way things are now, I don’t think I would be able to function in school. I don’t think I can work either, and my mom thinks so too. She said I should quit trying to apply for job still I got better. I just hate the fact that everyone else seems to be moving ahead with their lives and being congratulated while I’m stuck. I’m even afraid that I’ll be compared with such people. All it does is just enhance my suicidal thoughts I get from time to time and the sudden urges to hurt myself. Thank God they don’t last very long although sometimes I feel that way for days.

That pretty much sums up everything about my life as it stands. I feel useless, unappreciated and alone. But then, it’s understandable. Those of you who are trying to recover or are going through similar circumstances need people who can give you encouragement and not someone to bring you down. I don’t think I’m doing that.  Instead, I feel like I’m doing the latter. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to be friends with me any more. I’m hard to understand. I don’t understand myself either. With the proper therapy some of you can eventually get recovered, even if it takes forever. My brain is just wired differently and I can’t predict how I’ll feel the next minute or why I do weird things or make unwise decisions only to regret them after. And the perception that I’m being clingy and constantly worrying about who wants to be my friends makes it worse for me. I’ve lost all trust for people in general and think they’re all fake and judgemental. Sorry if I hurt anyone with this statement.

Bottom line is that I don’t think I’ve been supportive enough. I also think it’s been taken the wrong way. I just don’t think I can do it any more. I don’t think I can leave my little world and reach out to people who either take things the wrong way or who don’t appreciate me. I also don’t want to be clingy or make people feel obligated to be there for me. You could give me all  the pity in the world, but that’ll never change my situation. I think that the best thing I can do for you and for me is to just back off. One reason why I deleted Formspring, Facebook and am really thinking of closing my Twitter account. Something seems to be holding me, I don’t know, and it’s driving me crazy. That’s all for now. Sorry if I bored you or triggered you in any way. I hope everyone else is well. Take care

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGcSpNWO42k

That was the second to last video I which pretty much talks about what I just said

Now, here’s one with me using crashed and damaged airplanes to demonstrate how I was feeling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfaGbY-agUM

 

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